Menstruaction crap
by chantal027
Summary: Kagura's awaited Christmas is finally here! Santa's red is actually blood-red! And a certain Sadist's heart is black... or not?


I don't really know why I thought it would be so funny to have Kagura get her period because in the end it didn't really turn out to be funny xD But I feel I kinda managed to get them in charachter (at least I really hope so, tell me if I'm mistaken :P) so I hope you'll enjoy it! :DD

Warning: Some swearwords  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama, the almighty Sorachi-gorilla does!

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Have you ever been woken up by the most terrible cramp in your lower abdomen you can just imagine, only to see that there's so much blood around you that you'd probably got somehow to a murder scene?  
Well this is exactly what happened to our cute heroine in this morning that she'd never forget…

Today was a big day, for which everyone's been waiting for like forever. (Ok, for maximum one year to be accurate.) It was 24th December, everyone has been having a Christmas spirit for the last couple of days, especially since they decided to throw a huge party at the Shimura dojo with a lot of food and sake (they won a coupon) and with the participation of all of their friends, including Madao, Otose, Catharine, Tama, Zura ('Zura ja nai, Katsura da!'), Kyuubei (and Toujo of course), Tsukky, Hinowa, Seita. Also because of the presence of Gin-san and Otae they kind of expected (not really whole-heartedly though…) Sacchan and Gorilla, along with some other Shinsengumi members. Well not like they invited them, but after all their experience they just gave up and decided to ignore their existence.  
So all in all, a great day was coming indeed. Kagura was the most impatient and enthusiastic among them, she kept singing Christmas songs all day while wondering whether Santa-san would visit her this year and what she would get.

'Oi Kagura, wake up, it's 1 p.m. already you know' – she heard Gintoki's voice outside the cupboard=her room. It was unheard of that it would be Gin-san to wake her up instead of that Megane and she really would have been surprised by that, were it not for the intense pain she was experiencing from early morning.

'Nhh…' - she groaned through gritted teeth. This was certainly horrible. Despite being a Yato with enhanced tolerance for pain, it looked like it had nothing to do with this kind of ache, as she felt like her inside was being torn apart piece by piece.

'What?' – asked the Yorozuya boss in a slightly annoyed tone, while digging deep in his left ear. After he was given no answer for another minute, he tried again. –'You know Gin-chan would've loved to stay in bed too, but that woman wants us to help in the preparations and also that siscon begged us to come earlier to make something actually edible so we won't get poisoned by Dark Matter. Ah, I just wanna read the newest issue of the Jump, but you know how terrifying Otae is, Gin-chan is sca~red' – continued the natural perm-head in an unnaturally high-pitched voice, waiting for his adopted daughter to finally react, but just another whimper could be heard from the cupboard as an answer. After all Gintoki just shrugged and turned around. – 'Uh, whatever, just be sure to make it till six. If you won't show up in time who knows what that gorilla woman will do to your beloved Gin-chan' – rubbing onto the couch whatever he found in his ears, he then lazily walked away.

Kagura was left all alone to suffer, as even Sadaharu left with the silver samurai in hope of some food.

She didn't know what to do. The intensity of pain never once decreased and it really didn't seem to cease anytime soon, nor did the bleeding. _'Is this what I get from Santa? Even though I was trying so hard to be a good girl. I was helping everyone… couldn't help destroying that shop though… Ahh, I even managed to hold myself back around that damn Sadist in the last couple of days…'_ she thought to herself when an outstandingly excruciating spasm made her hold her breath for a few seconds.

'OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! THAT SHITTY OLD MAN IN RED BETTER PREPARE FOR HIS FUNERAL UH-HUH!' she yelled with her remaining power as she pressed her legs tighter to her torso.

'Ara, so there _is_ someone here.' Suddenly came a voice she knew all too well and then heard steps coming closer to her cupboard. 'Oi, China monster don't you know you have to answer the door? No wonder you barely have any clients…'said he with an uninterested voice right beside her 'room'.

She was already angry with her situation and now _he_ just had to show up. Weren't she suffering this much she would be raging with all her might. This is the WORST Christmas ever. Crap, it doesn't even deserve the capital anymore, let it be just christmas.

Now the problem was the Sadist. Maybe if she stayed silent he would just leave, yes? Well, she really hoped so, as he was the last person she wanted to see her in her current condition. That would be blackmail material for her entire life! She couldn't let that happen.

But God, she wasn't even able to move. Even the little movement caused by her breathing made her feel like dying was a pretty good option. And the most infuriating problem about the whole thing was that she had absolutely no idea what was going on. She was still OK when she went to sleep. Maybe there had been a bit odd feeling in her tummy but she thought it was only because of binge eating. When she woke up at dawn from the ache and realized her pajama pants and futon were practically soaked in blood – she couldn't see but she knew the smell all too well – she had not a single clue. Ever since then she kept thinking and cursing bent by the pain, and now he just had to show up. Even her nausea got worse. _'The Sadist definitely can't see me like this, uh-huh'._

Not knowing of her inner turmoil – well not like he cared had he known about it – he got tired of her not answering him.

'Oi China don't you try to ignore me, you'll break this policeman's heart. Anyway where is Megane? I have to ask him about Boss Lady's present' he deadpanned but was again met by silence only. 'Didn't you hear me? I know you're awake I heard you shouting like the crazy pig you are so come out al…' irritated he didn't wait any longer and harshly opened the sliding door of the cupboard but what folded out before his very eyes made him shut up.

He expected she would throw herself on him and then they could have a nice fight. He started missing their sessions as in the last few days he barely saw his rival and even if they met she would get away from him fast. That annoyed him more than he would have liked to admit. So when Kondo-san had asked if he could do this little mission for him he uncharacteristically quickly agreed and hoped he could see China and get back on track with their rivalry. Torturing Yamazaki (besides trying to kill Hijikata of course) was clearly not enough to satisfy him, so a fight would be truly nice. The thought itself was enough for adrenaline to gush through his veins.

That's why when he slid the door he met a sight that left _him_ , the King of Planet Sadism, the always collected First Division Captain and prodigy of Shinsengumi, speechless for the moment. He stared at her, mouth agape a little and he couldn't believe his eyes. There laid the China girl, his rival who could compete him, whom he unconsciously acknowledged as his equal, weakly in fetal position strongly holding onto her legs with blood everywhere. Her back was facing him and she seemed so small and vulnerable, _so fragile_ that the foreign feeling of pity came down on him.

But of course he couldn't show her this.

'Ouch China, this is gross. It's low even from you. Can't you handle your period _better_?' he said with his usual style, a disgusted look on his face. He's never seen nor heard anything like this before; all the women he knew showed no sign of their period _ever_ (as most women he knew were violent to begin with, their PMS went unnoticed) so what the fuck was this brat doing?!

'My… period?' came a faint voice barely more than a whisper from her after a while. The tone she used made him realize. _She had not the slightest idea about menstruation at all_.

He looked up with a blessed expression. He just bumped into the greatest teasing material. Ahh, there were so many possibilities. Should he tell her it's a fatal disease? Maybe talk about birds and bees to make her all flustered? Simply just take photos? Punch her stomach? The God of Sadists gave him his best opportunity ever.

…Or not?

Maybe he just thought so because before he could make up his mind about the most perfect plan, the fragile girl used all her strength to turn towards him. Embarrassed is a weak word to describe what was shown on her face, but there was something more to it behind that expression: hope. When he saw her painful grimace and her eyes shining from tears, which she tried really hard to hide, a face he'd never seen turning towards him, he felt his heart clench a bit which he really didn't understand. 'So you know what this is, yes? Tell me…' she wasn't looking straight at him, and he could only imagine how ashamed she must have felt being seen like this and then asking for a favor from her rival. He would have felt like laughing in her face, but…

She asked, no, rather she _begged_ him, maybe not with words, but her entirety screamed for help from _him_ , and he needed all of his willpower to keep his deadpanned expression. He kept reminding himself he was a sadist by nature and this was exactly the kind of thing he should enjoy the most. However somehow for a reason unknown to him _she_ being this pitiful didn't sit well with him. It was very different from when she feigned an illness as the moment he saw her back then he knew instantly it was only an act and he could prepare a great prank. But this time it was the real thing. She really was in pain, she really was suffering. But why? He knew that menstruation is painful for some women, but why is it so damn bad for her? He knew better than anyone how strong she was and how well she endured pain. Is it some Yato thing? This idea made him uptight and a bit nervous and he really didn't know why he felt like this. The sandy haired man couldn't put his finger on a why but finally he came to the conclusion that it must had something to do with the respect he held for her as his rival till then. Yupp, this had to be it.

Even though it still didn't explain the sudden need to help her out of her misery at least a little but he pushed this thought to the back of his mind.

After all he had a reputation he needed to take care of.

'You are stupider than I imagined, do you really not know about menstruation?' he managed to ask in his egotistical tone thanks to God but in a shadowy corner of his mind he hoped she's been just teasing him up till now.

'F*ck you Sadist, just go away then, uh-huh' she gritted through her teeth and started turning back towards the wall, away from him.

 _'_ _Well I guess I will need to go with plan A then'_ he thought to himself and out loud he said 'This is a disease only the worst kids catch. Looks like you've been a naughty girl this year China. You might bleed to death' he said, which made her halt her movement. He was glad he managed to keep his emotionless facade but when the tears, which were in the corner of her eyes the whole time, finally ran down her puffy cheeks he felt like something shook him. He started to become angry with himself. Why would he think like this, why would he _feel_ like this because of this filthy-mouthed, unbred China girl? He didn't want to seek further for the answers and he couldn't either, not when the mentioned brat was making _such_ face. She was trying to turn away again, she was trying her best to repress her sobbing and her tears but for him she was like an open book. Now that he thinks about it she kind of always was…

'Go away…' he heard her broken voice, which gave him the last push.

Looking down at his feet his bangs covered his crimson eyes.

'Just kidding you moron' he whispered in a barely audible voice.

'Wh-what?' she asked back between sobs as she couldn't catch what he just said. He finally turned his sight away from his feet, had one last look at her, then simply turned his back on her and left. But inside he felt really uneasy and thought _"I'm gonna go get that old hag from downstairs"_ then hurried out in a rush to get Otose to help her. Why? He still didn't want to think about it. Probably Hijikata infected him with some Mayo disease… Later he'd punish him for sure.

While planning how to murder the mayonnaise bastard this time he arrived before the door of Snack Otose and barged in but the only thing he met was silence. The shop was empty, all workers were out of the house.

 _'_ _Shit, shit, shit'_ he fret because indeed, he was in deep shit now. What can he do with China now? Maybe he should just go back to the Headquarters and pretend it didn't happen? Ah, but it's still great blackmail material. _But she's suffering_. Why does he care? Does he really care? Crap, what should he do now?

After a while, no matter how hard she tried to resist nature, her bladder was burning. It was only a matter of seconds before her sphincter would give up, so she had no other option than to crawl out of her 'bed' and into the restroom. She gathered all her remaining strength to open the cupboard and get out of it.

She was relieved and a bit surprised that the Sadist had left so early and without seriously torturing her. First she was really afraid because of this fatal disease, she really believed what he told her about this whole menstruaction crap or what, and couldn't accept that Santa would curse her with this condition when she really was a good girl. Okay, maybe not for the whole year, but she's been trying her best in the couple last weeks.  
But then she remembered all the pranks that guy ever pulled out and realized – at least really hoped – this was just another one of his tasteless lies. Also, she was kind of curious what he said lastly and why he left without laughing at her at least, however, she had more urgent things to take care of.

She knew for sure if she hadn't hurried, she would pee her pants. So she pulled herself together and finally got out of her 'room', even though she could only walk being in a bent position. She set her eyes on the door of the toilet, that's why she didn't notice the shopping bag before her legs and kicked into it. A weird pink package and a note fell out from it. _'I brought you what you need. Otose'_ was written on it, but as she really needed to empty her bladder now, she tugged the package back to the bag and took it with her to the bathroom, she would see there what it was.

She finally got there and made herself easier, then started to examine the contents of the bag. She had no clue how Otose knew about her condition as she'd never noticed the old lady visiting her, but she thought it was only because of the pain. But heck, the _Babaa_ really knew what she needed! She found painkiller, from which she took at least four pills immediately, then she took the pink package in her hands. _'Arways 100% protection'_ it said, and when she started to read the side notes she finally started to get what _really_ was with her. She still didn't know why this was happening, but from the looks of it this was something normal, and the illustrations showed her what she needed to do.

After the pills took action, she dressed up nicely for the party and finally left home. She went downstairs to thank Otose her help, but she couldn't find her, so she assumed the old lady had already gone to Shinpachi's. She was ready to go there too, but before she got to an Internet café to look up what menstruation is. (She didn't care about the strange looks people gave her when she took her _Arways_ out, as she just couldn't memorize this weird word).

After getting to know that what's happening is natural and that she's turned a 'big girl' she even felt a bit proud, when she entered the Shimura household. By the time she arrived most people had already gathered there, and were doing what they usually did: bickering, fighting, throwing insults, etc. She smiled: everyone was having fun. She honestly hadn't thought she would make it here today after all that suffering, but now that she could join the group, she was really happy. (Partly because the Shinsengumi bastard wasn't there, and Kagura really hoped he would stay away the whole evening, and preferably for the rest of her life, because she was truly ashamed and angry when she thought about how he saw her in that state). She wanted to say thanks to Otose, so while greeting everyone she looked for the old lady, whom she found together with Catherine, Tama and Madao. As she still felt a bit embarrassed to talk about it in front of everyone she wanted to talk to her in private so she decided to wait till the end of the celebration.

The evening went great. Even though she didn't receive the newest PX4 she was suggesting Gin-chan every morning, she got an adorable scarf with matching gloves from Anego, a lot of Sukonbu from Gin-chan and Shinpachi and many other things as well (mainly food). She was enjoying herself to her heart content. She even got to talk with Otae about her condition, and she explained her a lot, including some bees and birds but she reassured her Anego she already knew about that thanks to her beloved late night dramas.

On the whole, it was a great Christmas, a much greater than any other Christmas shown in the anime. She got loads of presents, lots of heartwarming and funny moments, and she finally became a lady (even though it started out bad). However, when she finally had the chance to thank Otose everything, she didn't get what she was expecting.

'Huh, what the hell are you talking about, brat?' looked the old lady at her with no understanding in her eyes whatsoever.

'Don't try fooling me, Babaa! I know you helped me, no need to feel bad about it, uh-huh. Thanks to you I am so much better now!' she laughed at her with a heart-warming smile on her face, but her laughter was cut off by a voice.

'Is Kondo-san here?' came the deadpan tone that made her pretty uneasy. She didn't want anybody else to know about how ridiculously vulnerable she was in the morning, she didn't want the others to make fun of her for not knowing about periods before.

She glanced at Okita from the corner of her eyes but surprisingly, instead of the smug look she was expecting, he avoided looking at her.

'Don't worry, we didn't come here to Let's party! with you. We just need Kondo-san' said Hijikata trying to seem uninterested like always while looking around.

'Don't say this Toushi! We should all enjoy ourselves together!' came out the said gorilla below the table like it was the most natural thing in the world. 'After all we have to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones, right, Otae-san?' he smiled at Otae, on whose face a vein popped out dangerously.

'And who invited you, you stalker gorilla?!' she shouted while throwing Kondo out to the garden with all her might.

'Thanks for your cooperation' waved Hijikata goodbye, but then a slightly drunk Gintoki stood in his way.

'Hey, what the hell do all of you take Christmas for, huh?! Barging in like you owned the place and acting all cool. Don't take me for a fool, dammit!' he grabbed the hilt of his bokuto.

'And who the hell was talking to you, you perm freak?!' he gritted through his teeth.

'Don't you dare speak anything bad about my perm, you nicotin bastard!' was his answer, and their usual bickering started again, and after a while everybody got back to their conversations.

Kagura also turned to Otose one more time.

'Well, whatever, really thanks for today' she smiled at the woman.

'Now again, what? Don't remember doing you any favor' she puffed smoke in her face, and because she really seemed clueless, Kagura started to think the old hag maybe wasn't saying this just to make her feel at ease, but because she really didn't know what she was talking about.

She couldn't understand. If it wasn't Otose who helped her then who did? The only person who knew was…

No, no, no, it can't be. He was her rival. Okay, it sure was weird enough that all he did was saying a cheap lie, no photo, no punch, nothing really cruel…

… but to imagine he would help her? No way.

Right?

She took another glance at him. He was standing with his back to the wall looking in front of him, he seemed really lost in his thoughts while fidgeting with his legd. Though that look on his face… was it relief?

He looked a bit odd like this, actually… almost, human-like.

Without realizing she kept her eyes on him, when he suddenly looked up directly at her, but when their eyes met, both of them quickly turned away.

 _'_ _I, I, I… can't believe it! It was really him! He would never act this way, uh-huh! Why the hell is he acting like this anyway?! The atmosphere is starting to be like in a shoujo manga! I can't take this, uh-huh…What to do?!'_ she agonized in herself with her face turning all red which she desperately tried to hide.

She could deal with the sadistic prodigy but she had no idea at all what to do with him now that not only did he not expose her condition or made fun of her, but actually helped her? Is the world ending or what?!

But she was actually surprised how uncomfortable he seemed with it, apparently, he looked more baffled than she…

She made up her mind.

'Oi, Sadist! Don't you think you can get away with lying to me, uh-huh!' she went up to him with her usual angry face. After a moment hesitation, he put up his indifferent look.

'Can't help that you're so stupid China.'

'Who are you calling stupid you hoodlum Chihuahua?!' she shouted and threw a fist at him, which started their usual battle.

It felt really refreshing for both of them. They could finally forget about the events of the day and emerge in their own little world. They didn't struggle seriously, there was no real attempt to overthrow the other, they hit and dodged simultaneously knowing exactly what the other's next move would be, the two of them almost looked like a choreography from the outside. It was more of a joint exercise rather than a real fight, which they both enjoyed to the bottom of their hearts.

They kept fighting until everyone was starting to go home, including the Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya members.

'This time it's a draw, Sadist, but next time I'll win for sure' she said breathing heavily with a challenging expression on her face. Even the little abdominal pain she had felt before their skirmish was gone.

'Keep dreaming, China. But I'll beat you even in your dreams' he answered with a smug look, but also panting.

'Who would dream about you, idiot?!'she shouted, but her cheeks became slightly pink.

'Who wouldn't?' he shrugged, then straightened up. 'Kondo-san, Hijikata-san, I think we should go now' he suggested, both men nodding in agreement.

Before Okita went by Kagura, he had seen a flash of the warmest smile he has ever seen on her face from the corner of his eyes, but the girl didn't see he noticed. A bittersweet expression appeared on his face and he looked down, his eyes hiding behind his bangs while he kept walking away from her towards his colleagues.

'Idiot, if you're going to pretend like nothing happened then do it normally. Don't show me such a face' he whispered to himself.

'What?' asked Hijikata irritated because of his previous argument with the silver samurai.

'I just said shut up and die Hijikata' he deadpanned.

'What was that, bastard?!' he bit on his cigarette with a vein dangerously popping on his forehead but to his surprise, Sougo smiled a bit, and looked back at the Shimura dojo for a second, where he could see that Kagura along with that Megane were trying to help the Yorozuya leader with balancing. He focused on his rival, and despite her annoyed face, she looked pretty peaceful.

He looked back at the other two.

'Kondo-san, Hijikata-san, merry Christmas' he said and started off to the Shinsengumi headquarter, leaving the men behind dumbfounded. The commander then smiled at the demonic vice-captain, then they ran after Sougo.

'Yeah… Merry Christmas'

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Alright... so this is my very first fanfiction about OkiKagu and also my first one in English, so if you find spelling or grammar mistakes please feel free to point them out to me. :)

Also, I am really interested what you think about this, if you liked the story or not, or well, anyhing that actually comes to your minds. :D  
Thanks for reading! ^.^


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